Diving In
by Ruvena Cousland Amell
Summary: Marian Hawke imagines another life, one where her all of her family is alive; one in which she has created a family of her own with Anders. A life that only demons can give her. Written for an angsty prompt.


**My response to the following (shortened) prompt:** _"So, I want Hawke to imagine that her whole family is alive (and in good terms), and at the estate, living a happy family life. It can be due to a dream, hallucination due to near death, or both (for example drunk Hawke falling asleep during a bath and almost drowning). Especially her mother should be adressed, because I was pissed that your party members didn't all say anything to you. So, you know, what basically means that Hawke didn't really talk about it to the people closest to him/her, and kept all the sadness bottled up."_

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Marian Hawke's breathing became labored and short as the sunshine peaked through her bedroom windows and greeted her face. Lying with her back to the mattress, she opened her eyes immediately with the urging feeling that something was wrong. She turned her head in one quick motion and saw Anders sleeping next to her.

Her face contorted in confusion as she watched him sleeping peacefully. How could that image feel right and wrong at the same time? Anders… was he supposed to be there? The thought was swiftly replaced by another - why wouldn't he be? He was her better half. Barely acknowledging the action, she moved her hand to the side of Anders' face and slowly caressed his cheek with her thumb, as if she was touching something very fragile.

Anders' eyes popped open in mild surprise and his expression changed to a soft, loving one. "Hey," he said, smiling as he reached for Marian's hand and entwined his fingers with hers.

Feeling a sudden urge, she lunged at him and crushed her lips on his. He didn't hesitate to respond parting his lips and letting his tongue reach for her lower lip. Marian didn't stop to think why she was kissing him with so much need, as if she hadn't kissed him in a very long time, or as if this was… Somehow, the thought was blocked before it could fully come across her mind.

Something deep within her made her move and position her body on top of his, straddling him and pinning him down to the bed with her hands on his shoulders - although Anders wasn't trying to take control of the situation in the way she would have liked. Instead, he broke the kiss and placed a hand on her mouth to silence her protest.

"Shh…" he hushed her, smiling in amusement. "We are not alone, remember?"

Marian's frustration turned into plain confusion. There was no one else in the room, was there? Was there? Something in her mind made her turn her head to the right and have a better look. She realized there was a wooden cradle only a few feet from her side of the bed.

She most certainly didn't remember ever having one of those in her bedroom. Why would she? There were no children living in her house. _Children_? A lump formed in her throat, somehow the idea of having children in her home made her anxious. She got off Anders, and out of the bed to walk up to the cradle with hurried steps.

Once she reached the piece of furniture she saw a small toddler sleeping there. Although there was little indication, she knew that child was a boy, and even though she didn't quite recall ever giving birth to him, she also knew he was her son, and he was barely a year old. The child had bright blond hair and a very fair pale skin; even though his eyes were closed, Marian was certain his eyes were honey-brown like his fathers'.

There was an odd sense of relief that washed over her as she stared at her son. The lump in her throat disappeared and she smiled when Anders placed a hand upon her shoulder and kissed the side of her head in a loving manner.

"It's wonderful when we can sleep through the night again, hmm?" he whispered in her ear.

Marian nodded absently and leaned her head against his chest as Anders wrapped one arm around her back to keep her closer to his body. She considered his words carefully, he had used _when_ and _again_ in the same sentence, this made her consider they had had other similar experiences, but not with the same child. Did that mean she had other children? Marian tried to search her memories, she tried to remember waking up in the middle of the night thanks to different babies… For some reason it made sense to her that she had other children, but why couldn't she remember them?

She couldn't even remember ever agreeing to have children with Anders, nor ever being pregnant, but it had happened. She was sure it had happened - that child was the living proof. Marian lifted her head to look at Anders with interest, expecting something of him. He only leaned his head to kiss her gently on the lips. She had intended on asking him what their son's name was, but there was no need, for he said it before she could open her mouth again.

"Dillen thankfully inherited your sister's sleeping habits. He won't wake up unless we make him."

Bethany? Marian's brow furrowed in confusion. Anders knew Bethany? Hadn't her little sister… Conflicted as to why, she shuddered a little, this made Anders hold her tighter - but he didn't ask any questions, as if there was nothing odd about her attitude. But there was, wasn't there? She didn't have any reason to feel anxious thinking about her sister. Bethany was fine, why wouldn't she be? Something tried to pop in her mind again, something important, something terrible… something that had made her shudder unintentionally, but before it could turn into something that made any sense, Anders spoke again.

"He'll wake up soon and he will be hungry. Carysse and Madoc will be up and demanding your attention soon enough too. You should wake him now. I'll be downstairs, your parents should be awake already."

All of that new information swirled through her mind trying to make sense at once. Carysse, Madoc, her parents. Even the idea of breastfeeding sounded strange for her. But it had to make sense. Marian closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she felt Anders let go of her and start walking to leave the room. There was that increasing hint of anxiety in her chest again. She didn't want him to leave, but for what reason? He was just going downstairs… she repeated this to herself twice, three times, until she was sure it was true. He was going to see her parents downstairs.

Her parents… they were together, as it should be. This realization soothed her strangely troubled mind. They had each other, and they would always have each other. Not only that, they were living with her - like it had always been, ever since she had memory. Or may be she was the one living with them? Yes, that was more accurate, for she was their daughter and this was the Amell estate. It's what mother had always wanted for her and her siblings: to live as nobility, as they were supposed to. She was certain then that they were all living in the estate together: her parents, her siblings, and the family she had created with Anders. A smile crept over her face as she sensed another wave of relief wash over her body and especially over her no-longer-troubled mind. Everything was fine, everything was utterly fine.

She could almost see the faces of Carysse and Madoc in her mind. She didn't mind that it was blurry, she knew it was there and it was only a matter of time until she would see her other children in the flesh again. For now, she had to start her day feeding her youngest.

Marian wasn't entirely sure of how to feed her baby, but she reasoned it wasn't the first time she did it, therefore she knew how… even if she didn't remember. She supposed she'd just start by picking him up gently - or may be caressing his head to wake him without startling him. Yes, that made more sense, the baby would start crying if she just picked him up, wouldn't he?

"Hey… Dillen…" She called for him softly, reaching to carefully caress his hair, as if she knew him well, as if she knew that was the correct way to wake him every morning. And she was right, she knew she was right, and it was further confirmed when the child yawned and slowly opened his eyes to peek at his mother.

"Mama," Dillen smiled contently and lifted his arms expecting Marian to pick him up. That single word he pronounced produced a strong feeling of attachment for her. Something that must have been there all along, something that surely was mutual, something that she had wanted to hear for so long…

No, she shook that thought away. She couldn't have wanted to hear that for long. She had three children, hearing the word "mama" was an everyday treat. It pleased her nonetheless, and thus she picked him up and held him against her body. The young child immediately accommodated himself and tugged at the fabric of her nightgown, right in the middle of her breasts. It was then that she became aware of the size of her breasts: she didn't quite recall having her bosom that large and swollen… but it made sense if she was breastfeeding.

Her nightgown had an interesting design-she noticed it had a wide cleavage and several buttons that made the access to her breasts easier when she had to breastfeed. Dillen insisted with his tugging of the fabric, and Marian simply unbuttoned the required part and observed as the child moved a little to start suckling on her nipple.

It felt… how did it feel? Her brow furrowed once more. She couldn't quite put her mind into it, but she reasoned that if her breasts were filled with milk, it had to feel liberating to be breastfeeding. Yes, she decided then that it did feel good indeed. It also felt good to be holding her child against her body, she could feel his warmth, his attachment to her… and he should also feel heavy on her arms, right?

As she considered this, she came to her senses and felt the weight of her child. It suddenly wasn't all that easy to hold him and she walked to sit on the bed. Dillen didn't complain for a single moment and simply accommodated himself further against his mother's body. Instead of thinking about that curious turn of events, Marian began thinking of what it was like to be a mother. She looked down at her child, so focused as he suckled, and smiled as she felt a rush of adoration spread through her. That was her baby, her and Anders', and he looked so much like his father. Marian was certain she had wanted children ever since she fell in love with Anders; she had dreamed of having a large family with him, she had imagined what their children would look like, what their attitudes would be like, and how much pride she would take on them. And it had happened - she had three children with Anders, it was perfect, just perfect. It would be even more perfect once she saw her other children as well.

A few minutes later-she had no idea how long, but she assumed it had been minutes-Dillen was sated and lifted his head to look at his mother expectantly. Marian stared at him quizzically, trying to figure what he intended for her to do; she was his mother, so she had to be able to read his mind somehow - that was what mothers did, right? At least when her children were so young.

"You want to go downstairs and see everyone else too, don't you?" That was what she wanted to do, but somehow she was certain her child shared her wishes.

Dillen nodded and then tried to crawl out of her lap and onto the bed. May be it wasn't all that common, but she realized he was giving her space so she could take off her nightgown and put on her daily clothes. Well, he was her son, so it made complete sense that he was so smart and considerate. Despite this she considered it probably wasn't right to leave a one year old on the bed - he could fall off, right? She stood up to observe him carefully, and realized the child knew better. He was sitting still, and he wasn't going to fall off the bed.

Marian went to her wardrobe to pick undergarments and choose a simple but elegant dress without giving much thought to it, even though her first instinct had been to pick something for combat. But what would she need that for? There was no need for her to fight for her life or to go on dangerous errands to make a living. Not only did she have economic stability, but she also had a family of her own now - even if she liked to go out and battle, her children came first.

She took off her nightgown and got dressed. She went to her dressing table to look in the mirror and brush her hair, pausing as she realized her hair was longer than she remembered. She had always had to wear it shoulder length, for it was a practicality in battle, but now it was almost waist length, the way she had always liked when she was a little girl. And there was make-up on her dressing table, make-up she could actually use. When was the last time she coloured her lips with a nice shade of red? Or powder her cheeks faintly?

Nothing odd about that, she reassured herself. It felt natural to put on light make up and fix her hair into a family-woman style. Pleased with her looks, she went back to Dillen and picked him up again, holding him against her chest. She was excited to see her family again, even though she supposed she had just seen them the day before.

As she stepped outside her bedroom, she noticed there was something different - everything looked more… colorful. It was as if the house was full of life and happiness. She could hear her other children laughing and running downstairs with Bethany following right behind them and telling them to be careful. Her heart swelled with joy as she embraced the thought of seeing her sister again. Something had happened to her, she wasn't sure what, but everything was all right now and there was nothing to worry. Bethany was fine, and she was helping her with her children, just like she had always told her she would.

_Her children_. Marian smiled widely and kissed Dillen's head. Once in the living room, she watched in amusement as Madoc, her three year old son, tried to catch Carysse, her five year old daughter. At the same time, Bethany was trying to catch her nephew as he slid under a table.

"For the Maker's sake, Madoc! Will you please come back here?" Bethany pleaded. Her kind manners probably weren't the best resource to instruct the children, and that made the situation all the funnier.

Well, she was the mother, so it was up to her to get them to behave. Her command came out naturally, as if she had been dealing with them for years. It was kind and soft, unlike the orders she used to give during battle. "Carysse, Madoc; stop pestering your aunt already."

Carysse turned around with a bright smile on her face at the sound of her mother's voice. Marian marveled at the sight of her daughter as if she was looking at her for the first time. She had dark red hair as her own, Carver's deep blue eyes, and a beautiful smile that was Anders' without a doubt… it was the daughter she had imagined so many years ago.

"Mother!" Carysse said happily as she hurried to her mother and hugged her legs.

Even as Bethany led Madoc by the hand to her, Marian couldn't take her eyes off her beautiful daughter. She eventually did though, only to look at her sister and smile, and then to stare at the child holding her hand.

Bethany only released Madoc's hand when they came to a halt, so the boy could walk to her mother and greet her as well. He had dark black hair like Bethany and Carver, his eyes the exact same shade of grey as his grandmothers', but his facial features reminded her mostly of her father. Time seemed to stop for a long moment as she stared at those two children in silence, marveling at the sight. Right at that moment she couldn't comprehend why she ever thought she'd never get to meet them.

"Shall we go now, sister? They are waiting for us to have breakfast."

Bethany's voice startled her, her thoughts regarding the children momentarily forgotten. Marian stared at her sister and realized her facial expression was very soothing. Wasn't it the other way around though? Hadn't she always been the soothing elder sibling? Did she even feel anxious at the moment?

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time," said Marian. She suppressed the need to hold her hands - she wanted to feel her skin, to know she was real.

"Well… I did miss dinner last night, but…" Bethany shrugged, a little uncomfortable. Marian knew that reaction, she was trying to avoid an embarrassing subject. "I was here yesterday for breakfast and lunch."

Bethany hadn't been there for dinner last night, true. But was that the reason she felt odd about seeing her? It had to be. Marian closed her eyes and shook her head, as if trying to dissipate the feeling. "There's something you are not telling me."

"Uhm… well…" Bethany shifted her weight from one foot to another, a slight blush staining her cheeks. "Remember that person I told you about a few weeks ago?"

A person? She had no mental images of whoever Bethany was talking about - not that she could remember at least; but she knew it was a man, and he was important to Bethany, but Marian didn't trust him for some reason she couldn't remember.

"Yes, I remember," Marian said, gaining certainty as she spoke.

"I had dinner with him last night," Bethany's blush increased as she said this, and kept on, "And he asked to see me again tomorrow."

He wanted to see her again - that had to be a good thing. Good for Bethany. But there was something that unsettled Marian as she thought further about it: Could he be dangerous?

Before more uncertainty could take hold, Marian felt little hands tugging at her dress and she looked below to her elder children as they tried to call her attention: they wanted her to move. They had been so still and quiet she had almost forgotten about them. Were children usually that quiet and patient as the adults in the room spoke? Surely she hadn't been like that when she was a child. And what about the toddler in her arms? He hadn't moved at all, and he wasn't sleeping.

"Come on, mother. We are hungry," insisted Carysse with a pleading look. As Marian looked into her lovely eyes, all thoughts of uncharacteristic matters faded away. She didn't even feel the need to reply to Bethany anymore. It had all been settled somehow.

Marian walked to the dinning room in a strangely calm state of mind, only able to focus on Carysse as she grasped the fabric of her dress to tag her along. Every now and then the little girl would turn and tilt her head to look at her and smile. That was all Marian needed to be reassured that she had nothing to worry about.

She was about to place her hand on the doorknob to open the door to the dinning room when it was opened from the other side. That simple action appeared to happen in slow motion as Marian saw it: it was her mother who opened the door; there was a bright smile on the woman's face as she greeted her daughter and her grandchild.

"Good morning, my dears!" Leandra Hawke said happily, as she kissed her eldest's cheek and gently offered to take Dillen in her arms.

'_Mother is well.'_ Thought Marian to herself, smiling in relief. She passed Dillen to her mother's confident arms in an automatic motion - it was only natural to have mother help with the children. Dillen didn't mind going to his grandmother, but as he accommodated himself in her arms, the toddler gave Marian a quizzical look.

Marian reached for his cheek and rubbed it gently with her thumb as she spoke to her mother. "Good morning, mother. Did Carysse and Madoc give you trouble?"

"No, we didn't," Carysse immediately said with a mischievous grin. Marian placed one free hand on the young girl's head and caressed her hair gently, suppressing the urge to laugh at her quick response.

"Of course not, they are the sweetest little creatures," Leandra said with an approving look. Marian's eyes lingered on her mother's neck as if she was looking for something that wasn't there.

"When they are with their grandmother at least," Bethany added, biting her lip as she stood behind Marian.

"Well, you are always fun to play with, sister," replied Marian, feeling more and more confident in the situation as time passed by. It just felt correct to be there with her mother, her sister and her children commenting the morning events. This probably happened every day - no, Marian corrected herself - it happened every day, there was no doubt. Her mother woke up early to attend on the elder children so they wouldn't disturb the rest of the family as they slept.

As she thought about this, she felt a sudden urge to see Carver. Marian tried to restrain the anxiety, telling herself she would see Carver in just a moment - he was probably about to come to the dining room to have breakfast.

Marian reached for Madoc's hand and held it to walk further ahead into the room. Carysse ran ahead of them towards Anders, who was sitting at the large wooden table, comfortably speaking to her father. She marveled at the simplicity of sight . Carysse made sure to sit next to her dad and tried to join the conversation even though she had no idea what they were talking about.

Malcom Hawke greeted his elder daughter with a kind smile, urging her to sit and join the conversation. He was at the head of the table, and Marian sat at his right. Leandra was sitting at the other end of the table with Dillen on a highchair right next to her; while Marian had sat Madoc on her lap, embracing him gently.

"What are you talking about?" asked Marian, as Bethany sat in front of her.

"I was telling your husband and daughter about the years we lived in Jader. Remember that, sweetheart? You were 15 when we moved there."

The use of the term _"husband"_ referring to Anders didn't go unnoticed by Marian, but she couldn't tell why she felt there was something funny about it. Her father's voice was humorous and loving as he spoke in a way that Marian had always found it soothing. She smiled in amusement as she remembered what his father was talking about, "Yes, we lived for a whole month in a small house that belonged to a large family, the Verenes. Bethany and I had to share a room with other five girls."

"Those poor girls," commented Bethany with a somehow melancholic hint. "Marian scarred at least two for life."

"I taught pretty good life lessons to those girls," added Marian with a contagious laugh. Anders smiled in amusement, while Malcolm Hawke simply shook his head slowly. Leandra suppressed a sigh and continued attempting to feed to Dillen.

"What life lessons?" asked Carysse, supporting her chin with both hands, her elbows on the table as she watched the adults with interest. Her eyes widened when her parents' laughter ceased and her grandparents sported alarmed looks on their faces - as if they had just realized the young girl was there.

Marian winked at Carysse and said a less compromising answer, "Oh, you know, the usual: Be honest with others and with yourself, stay true to yourself, to your principles and beliefs - do what's right, no matter how hard it is…" Marian paused for a moment, and something stirred inside her mind, but she managed to push it away. "You can do just about anything you make up your mind to do."

Carysse looked confused. When she finally had a chance to speak, it was obvious she knew something was being kept from her, "Why would those life lessons scar them for life?"

Tensing at the idea of continuing that conversation, Marian was saved by her brother as he entered the dinning room. Carver's presence made Carysse forget all about scarring life lessons and get off her chair to run up to her uncle.

Watching the usually stoic-faced Carver return his niece's affection by picking her up and embracing her with a gentle smile, warmed Marian inside. He wasn't the type of man to show affection to any other person apart from their mother, but that had changed once he met his niece. If there was something Anders and Carver agreed on, it was on being overprotective of the young girl.

"Uncle, can we play war with my dolls later?" Carysse's joyful voice filled the room, inflicting chuckles and smiles on the adults in the room with her request.

"So you can beat me again?" asked Carver in a comically ironic manner as he deposited Carysse on the floor.

"I only win because you let me," the little girl replied matter-of-factly, and followed her uncle as he sat next to Bethany. Carysse stood her ground between the twins, waiting until she got the answer she wanted.

Carver pretended to consider it for a moment, frowning slightly, and then looked down at his niece with a serious expression on his face, "I'll play with you if Madoc can join us."

While Madoc looked at his uncle and sister with interest once he heard his name, the idea made Carysse bit her lip and pout, "But he doesn't follow the rules!"

"Neither do you."

Marian chuckled at her brother's statement - certainly Carysse took after her.

Madoc shifted on his mother's lap too look up at her face, his eyes pleading, "I want."

She cupped her son's face with her hands and caressed him lovingly, a kind smile on her face, "I'll put in a good word for you."

There was no need though, for Carysse was already shaking her uncle's hand to close the deal. The little girl went back to sit next to her father then, and kept listening to her grandfather's tale of the family's time in Jader.

"Carver and I would go fishing along with that Verene's three elder sons most mornings. By the time we had caught enough fish-if any-we had to go to the market district to sell it. We had a stand in the district and some customers who expected us to deliver our products to them. The three boys would work on the deliveries, while Carver and I remained in the stand trying to sell the people who passed by. It was around that time when Carver became the most successful vendor in Jader. Each time a woman would pass by he'd show her his brightest smile and say, '_Excuse me, might you possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us?' _or, _'Hey, haven't I seen you before? Oh, I remember, it was in my dreams!'_"

The dinning room filled with laughter as Malcolm narrated more stories of Carver's selling techniques. Marian remembered her brother being that easygoing around girls and women he was not related to, while with his sisters he had been… Her breathing became uneven as she felt something stirring in her chest - no one seemed to notice, for they continued happily talking as Marian tried to shake off the odd feeling. Something inside her head was trying to pop out again, something about her relationship with Carver.

"It was with the Verene family that Marian and I became nannies too," added Bethany, and her beautiful voice somehow managed to pierce through Marian's mind, chasing away whatever painful thoughts were trying to merge there. "They had four children under six years old. We certainly paid our share for living there - if we closed our eyes for just two seconds, that house would turn into chaos."

"Marian handled the children with great firmness and ease, while Bethany was friendly and tried to reason with them. It was a good balance," added Leandra, with pride. "I must admit, although it's not how I raised my own children, Marian's method proved to be the most effective. Of course it was Bethany who the children would run to when in need of support and comfort."

"They did like Marian though," said Bethany, smiling kindly at her sister. Marian returned the smile, the good memories a balm for her mind. "Especially when she told them stories. She could have been a bard for children."

"Did you use to tell them the story about _Nerine the Elf at the Sea_?" asked Carysse, staring intently at her mother.

Marian hesitated to answer. She wasn't entirely sure she knew which story her daughter was referring to.

Carysse noticed and said, "You know, the one about the elf who had gone for a swim in the coast of the Waking Sea. She shouldn't have done that though, for soon she found to her horror that she had been washed out to sea by a strong current. She was getting tired and there was no way she could swim back to shore. She would drown out there, and no one was there to help her…"

There was something lulling about Carysse's voice, but Marian barely acknowledged the effect it was having on her. She started remembering the story, and started speaking right where Carysse had stopped. "She was going to drown - she decided all she could do was stop struggling, stop fighting, for the only way out was to merge with the sea."

"Although merging with the sea is not exactly a way out, it was the only way," added Carver. For some reason, Marian didn't want to meet his eyes as he said that. Something was making her anxious again.

"And in the end, she was happy to dive in," Anders said with his kind and loving voice. He reached for Marian's chin, tenderly grasping it and guiding her eyes to his. She easily got lost there, it felt right to do so, and a warm feeling spread all over her body as he leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips. And she was certain then that Nerine the elf had made the right choice.

"Eww! Father!" Their young daughter interrupted their small display of affection. Her reaction made them both laugh, and soon the story was forgotten as the family continued chatting.

Marian felt comfortable there, surrounded by the people she loved the most, listening to them talk, watching them smile. Carver was making funny faces at Dillen, making the babe smile as he tried to mimic him. Carysse had gotten off the chair and gone to her grandmother to whisper something in her ear that made her laugh, while Bethany was making fun of something Carver had done… Eventually Marian realized something was amiss - it was morning, hadn't they all gathered there to have breakfast? There were all sorts of food on the table, but no one was actually eating.

The adults dug in the moment she thought about it - even Carysse hurried back to her seat and started eating as well. It was unnerving and made her consider if she had missed something… something had to be out of place and she hadn't seen it. She looked around the table, starting with her father and going all the way up to Anders. Everyone was acting normal, they would eat, they would chew and swallow, then they'd either start again or pause to speak to each other.

Even the infant on her lap was attempting to grab a fork and eat from her plate. Marian took the fork before he could either drop it or hurt himself. "Wait, I'll do it, " she told him, and tried to focus on spreading honey on a piece of bread. She was certain something was wrong, now.

Anders answered for her, "You aren't hungry, my love?" His head turned to look at her inquisitively.

Marian looked at him for a long moment and then at the plate in front of her and frowned. She hadn't even realized she was hungry. "I am. I don't know what's wrong with me, I hadn't even considered eating."

"Nothing's wrong with you, dear," said her mother with her most reassuring tone. "Morning sickness affects every woman differently."

She was pregnant? Marian frowned and looked at Anders with a questioning glance, expecting him to explain… explain what? Surely they had agreed on this, and she had been pregnant three times before, therefore she had to know what it was like. Still…

She barely acknowledged Anders' speaking; in a quick motion her hands rose to rub her temples as if to prevent a strong headache from developing. There was actual pain in her head as she tried to put some sense into everything. When had she even figured out she was pregnant? She wasn't even showing, she had seen herself naked in the mirror that same morning. How could Anders have found out before her? How far along was she?

Marian tried to come up with the answers, tried to find clues in her memory… but the harder she tried, the worse the whirlwind of emotions inside her head got.

"It's been three months now, soon you'll be craving for food instead. The same happened when you were pregnant with Carysse."

Anders' statement didn't help, and she found herself voicing her own thoughts, "I'm not even showing."

"You are," Anders countered, and in that same moment the image of herself with a little bump came to her mind. But it was wrong, she was almost sure of it. Marian wasn't willing to open her eyes to check for certain though.

A sudden, piercing cry forced her eyes wide. Madoc started crying loudly in her lap, and she looked down at him and wrapped him in a comforting embrace. "Madoc…" The throbbing restlessness was not forgotten this time and, even though Madoc was close to distracting her with his desperate crying, all she did was look right in front of her, to her now stoic-faced brother.

Anxiety hit her and she shivered as she realized what had at last broken through her mind, "You are the only constant here."

"I am not," he was soon to interject with a frown.

"We all are constants in your life - we've always been there for you," her father added, placing a hand on her shoulder, but Marian refused to look at him.

Instead, her eyes remained on her brother, they traveled from his face to his chest, and there she saw something she hadn't realized was there before: templar armor. Templars, the Circle Tower, mages… "And yet, you are the only one who left."

She barely acknowledged Carver's counters and protests, and Madoc's cries were no longer piercing her ears. In her mind things were piecing together, painfully so. Her voice broke when she spoke next, now turning to look at her father in the eyes.

"There was nothing I could do to save you," she told him, as the memories of her father's ragged breathing and pain-struck expression before she could put him out of his misery resurfaced.

"Stop this nonsense, Marian."

His words came as a warning, but Marian turned her head to look at her sister. Bethany had an arched eyebrow and was already shaking her head, "Whatever you are thinking, Marian, it's not true. You are confused."

"But I could have saved you. I should have saved you." Marian asserted, guilt quickly making its way to her chest. Her eyes broke away to look at their mother with sorrow. "And you, mother. Had I been faster I would have managed to save you both."

Anders rose up abruptly and snapped, his hands on her shoulders forcing her to look at him. He was the most recent wound, she knew it, but the memory was still blocked somehow; it was trying to come out. Marian wasn't sure if it was her the one not allowing it.

"Don't ruin this. Think of the family we have created, think of our children."

Her mind was clouded for a moment with images of her children, each smiling at her, each resembling different members of her family. None were real, were they?

"They are not real," she said, a tight pain in her chest. "These children are not real. They can't be."

"They are," said Anders with a warning look, his grip on her shoulders getting tighter. "Remember the first time you held Carysse in your arms. Remember the first time she smiled at you, the first time she managed to say _mama_."

Marian could perfectly see each of those moments in her head. She could see herself lying on a bed holding her swaddled baby, her skin reddish from the birth, her eyes closed as she refused to acknowledge the sunlight. Anders had been there right next to her, his hand on their daughter's chest as he reassured Marian how strong and healthy she was, how she was everything they had hoped for.

Anders' eyes were lulling, intoxicating as he tried to confuse her. Her mind was made up though. Her response came in a remorseful breath, "You are trying to divert me from the truth. I know these children aren't real."

"We _are_ real," came Carysse's voice, and Marian noticed the little girl was now standing next to Anders. Her statement was not an innocent one - instead it was harsh and filled with growing anger. "We are all you ever wanted."

"You are all I ever 's exactly why you can't be real, why none of this is real."

All of the sudden the chair she had been sitting on disappeared, the whole room along with her parents, her siblings and her two youngest children were gone. All that remained was a large room with no furniture, no doors nor windows, only columns. Anders and Carysse were left standing in front of her.

"It can be real if you let it be real." This time Carysse's voice was compelling, and there was a mischievous expression on her face.

"It can only be real if it is real," countered Marian, intently refusing to meet Anders' gaze.

"Do you really want to go there?" asked the little girl, close to reaching a breaking point. "Because I can get you there, I can unblock your most painful memories, I can make you live your decisions over and over again until you can't take it anymore and plead to come back to this comfortable place you and I have created."

Marian couldn't open her mouth to reply, she couldn't even think what her answer should be. She knew now that she was in the Fade, speaking to a demon who had taken images from her memories and imagination to create a comfortable little dream world for her… somewhere the demon could feed from her.

She closed her eyes in a fruitless attempt to focus on her thoughts and not on the ideas the demon was trying to get through her mind. The creature's voice sounded like an echo in her head: _"Or you can just let me lock those memories for you. I'll do it better this time around, you just have to accept this. Stop questioning it and dive in. You can have everything you ever wanted, I'll make sure nothing is amiss."_

Marian wanted to fight it, to scream and claim she wanted it to stop, she had to get out of the Fade, return home and wake up. But the demon wasn't going to give up that easy. Soon enough Marian felt two strong hands cupping either side of her head, she knew that touch, she knew those hands.

"You aren't him," she said, her eyes still tightly shut. In her mind, she kept repeating that the demon was only using her memory of Anders. But, at the same time, she didn't command it to stop.

"Let me prove you wrong," he spoke with a lulling voice, confident and slightly mischievous. Marian felt his hands making their way to her hair, his face leaning down on her, his nose brushing against hers. She couldn't fight the need to feel his lips against her own one more time. Even if she knew it wasn't real.

'_But it is real. Everything here is real.'_ An unknown voice spoke in her head as she felt Anders' lips crushing against her own with increasing need and passion. Her lips parted and he bit gently, his hands traveled from her head down to her waist, and she couldn't restrain herself from standing on her toes and wrapping her arms on the back of his neck.

What home was she supposed to return to anyway? She had a palace all for herself, but it wasn't a home. Neither was the Amell estate; no, a home had loved ones inside, whilst Marian had no one. Not anymore. _'Not there at least,'_ repeated the foreign voice in her head.

'_Not anywhere.'_ Marian countered in her head and broke the kiss instantly, her hands moving quickly to push the imaginary Anders off her, making herself lose balance for a moment. He stared intently at her with a calculating look and penetrating eyes.

"Stop it!" cried Marian, her angst turning to anger. "It's not real, it will never be real!"

"You'd rather see reality then? You'd prefer living day-by-day remembering how every person you loved died either by your hand or negligence? How your friends and your own brother forsook you? Or how you have forsaken them?" The demon in Anders' shape mused in an almost amused tone.

A wave of pain coursed through her as the memories of everything she had done broke free. Her father asking her to put him out of his misery before the pain became unbearable, she was the only one in her family who could summon the courage to slit his throat, the only one who could do what had to be done at once and deal with her feelings later. Her sister being torn apart by an ogre she could have stopped with a spell, had she been quicker of mind and skill. Her mutilated mother dying in her arms, an agonizing death she could have prevented had she been paying more attention to her. And, finally, Anders giving in to the pain of a spell that would quickly consume him; he didn't even try to fight it, he had wanted to die by her hand… and he did, and his body had exploded in the most horrific way.

Isabella left with her relic, leaving her to deal with a war that she could have stopped. Merrill siding and perishing with the mages. Fenris fighting by her side but leaving soon after, their friendship had never been strong enough for him to stay in a city he never felt close to. Carver had turned his back on her, as a templar he had agreed with her decision and fought by her side, but at the end, he preferred to stay in the Order rather than have anything to do with his sister. Aveline and Varric had stayed, but she could see in their eyes things would never be the same between them. They would come and visit the Viscountess every now and then, but they were both reluctant; those days in the Hanged Man would never come back, and neither would their adventures.

What hurt the most, however, was how she gave up on Anders. Marian had wanted to convince herself that he had used her for years, that he had lied and manipulated her with ideas of freedom and righteousness. He had told her the same stories she had heard from her father regarding the Circle of Mages, some far worse - and even though she agreed with him most of the time, even though she had seen Meredith's abuses first-hand, she couldn't pat him on the shoulder and tell him _'Well done' _after blowing up the Chantry, killing hundreds of innocent people and pushing the templars to perform the Right of Annulment on the Circle.

The idea of sparing him crossed her mind, but was going to happen after that? Anders was tainted by something worse than the darkspawn blood; day-by-day, she had seen him lose his mind further to the spirit inside of him. He had admitted to her once there were blank spaces in his mind, but it was worse when he could remember what Justice did when he would manage to take over his body. She had seen him lose what little humanity he had left in him; what he had done was a last attempt to do something right before he entirely lost his mind. He hadn't expected to survive, and he didn't.

What he didn't expect was for Marian to side with the templars. That was what broke his heart, not the fact that she wasn't going to forgive him, not the fact that she was going to take his life, but the fact that everything he had worked for was going to be shattered to pieces by her. And the knowledge that she did it out of revenge.

Vengeance was all she could think of when she realized what Anders had done to her. She didn't even think of the lives she was going to take, she only wanted to hurt Anders in the same way he had hurt her. She wanted him to feel betrayed the way she felt.

It was anger that drove her to cast that spell upon him. What she would never understand was why he hadn't fought back - why he stood there with a disappointed expression on his face as he contemplated the woman he had loved. When the spell spread through his entire body and the physical pain started coursing through his every limb, he closed his eyes and fell to his knees; he didn't struggle, he allowed the magic to take over. He gave up the same way she had given up on him.

"It was out of my reach," she whispered to herself, angst making its way inside her chest.

"Was it?"

Marian opened her eyes, feeling her body was about to collapse. She didn't know for sure, what could she have changed? Her sense of duty didn't drive her, but it helped. Anders was never going to be rid of Justice; the spirit would always be right there between them. In the end, Anders had always chosen the spirit over her, even if he claimed he had no real choice in the matter. He had told her once there were greater things than love, and that she had to understand that if she wanted to be with him. He had also told her he would break her heart.

Certainly, if she could turn back time she would have not only listened to him but also cared.

"Your world doesn't get better than this," said the demon in Anders' shape. There was a conniving smile over his lips, something that was so unlike the real Anders that it actually helped Marian stand her ground despite all the horrible reality she was facing.

Marian knew what she had to do. The idea of staying in a world of dreams with her loved ones with no pain, no remorse, no betrayal… it was tempting. But for some reason, something her father told her before his death echoed in her mind: _'Life is for the living. Don't look back.'_ He wouldn't have wanted her to give in to a demon; neither would have anyone she loved.

"You either release my mind or show your true form and fight me," she stated with a firm voice that betrayed the sorrow she was feeling.

As she spoke, the rest of the demons that had been her family appeared in front of her, each staring at her with increasing interest.

"And give up the chance to see your world in your flesh?" The demon appeared amused by the thought.

She summoned her magic, feeling with a tingle how it rushed through her veins and focused on the palms of her hand. As she completely blocked her memories in order to fight, the demons showed their true forms and launched at her. Waves of ice, shocks of lightning, barriers of fire, arcane bolts and repulsion shields were cast.

The moment the strongest of them perished under a crushing prison, she felt her mind released from its powers, and the Fade world around her started trembling. Still, it was her choice to wake up.

Marian woke up with a jolt, and she felt herself being pulled out of water in one quick and forceful motion. A pair of strong arms wrapped around her to get her out of the bathtub, and she recognized Sebastian's voice as she coughed the water invading her lungs.

"So much for being Champion and Viscountess of Kirkwall," he snapped, throwing her to the hard stone floor as he took her out of the tub, water dripping everywhere. "Now you can add _worthless drunk_ to your titles."

Sebastian had been the only one who had really stayed by her side; although not because he had actually wanted to. The Chantry had appointed him to look after her, not fearing for her well being exactly, but to ensure the Chantry still had power over Kirkwall. It was clearly implied that if she didn't allow him to take part in her political decisions, the Divine wouldn't support her any longer, and she would be sent to a Circle of Magi in the blink of an eye.

Even if she hadn't been coughing the water she had been drowning in, she wouldn't have had anything to say back to him. He didn't pick her up from the floor or help her get to her bed, or stay to make sure she could do it herself; instead he left the bathroom with a quick and firm pace. At first he had been kind and gentle with her, stating he admired her for what she had done, claiming they could rebuild Kirkwall and the Chantry together. As Marian started drowning in depression and alcohol, she had become a burden for him. A burden he hadn't asked for, yet was forced to take on.

Once the last remains of liquid were off her lungs, she took a deep breath and made an effort to sit on the floor. Marian became aware of the soreness inside and over her body. Her windpipe burned due to the unwanted liquid, and her head and stomach churning from the alcohol. The crash against the hard stone floor hadn't helped much either, and her upper body throbbed in pain.

Was it supposed to be easier or harder to block unwanted thoughts with alcohol? She couldn't quite remember at the moment. Her recent experience in the Fade played through her mind nonetheless, those faces she longed to see again, those nice emotions she wanted to feel, that family she would never have. That pained her far worse than all the bruises in her body, than the nausea in her stomach or her increasing headache. There was no pain in the Fade if she didn't allow it. Why did she have to be so stubborn?

Marian's eyes were sunken as she stared at nothing in particular. Nothing had been out of her hands, she had chosen her own fate. And now she was alone. The demon had said it itself, her world wouldn't get any better.

Perhaps the next time she closed her eyes things would work for the better. Perhaps she would find a stronger demon, one that would manage to create a flawless world for her to dive in.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N: Thank you so much to Amanda for betaing this for me. And thanks to everyone who reads and reviews. Any feedback is much appreciated. :)


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